*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
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*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Damn he played himself
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.