6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
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To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!