[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
You should be tunashamed of yourself!