I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
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ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.