me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
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corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen