If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.