Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”