*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
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*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Watermelon Boss!
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that