Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Growing up was a huge mistake
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡