Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
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Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
favorite tropes as memes
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Candles never taste the way they smell
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.