The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
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My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*Seductively hides in the woods
Friday
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.