Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
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went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
smh
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Bobby pin
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over