termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
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Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Got him!
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Patron approaches the reference desk.
“Does the library have COVID tests?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have masks for the public?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have gloves?”
“Yes. My turn: do you have COVID?”
“Yes.”
“Well good I’m glad we’re both bringing something to this exchange.”
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.
Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life