As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
You Might Also Like
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce