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I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.