My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
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Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers