Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
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I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.