Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
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Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe