[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
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It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
Me, in DM rooms…
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.