I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
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Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
also my go-to takeaway order
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*