[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
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friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Probably my best painting.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.