BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.