I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk