A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Hitlers gonna hitl
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
the rocks need my help
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅