Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
All is fair in drunk and war.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015