I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
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I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Every work meeting this week
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality