All is fair in drunk and war.
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JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM