How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
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Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious