Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
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9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!