Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
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The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
what
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.