has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
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HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams