casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
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My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.