Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
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Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.