Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
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I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet