“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
vegan witches, happy halloween!
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
You had me at “define legal”.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*