Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
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Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”