“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
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[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
ACED my prostate exam!
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!