My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.