While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
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Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
estão todos miauvindo?
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad