“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
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I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles