The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
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The Book. The Movie.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.