While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
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Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep