ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
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“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
How did we not see this back then?
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Put the is in disheveled
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.