[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
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I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”