I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
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My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*