With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
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Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”