*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
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$3 #books
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search