We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
You Might Also Like
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister