some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
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There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.