Lmaoo 馃槀
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Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Bobby pin
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I鈥檓 okay. Thanks.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I鈥檓 an elephant; I鈥檓 hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It鈥檚 an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you鈥檙e gonna have to wait
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me