My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
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I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.